Have you (or has someone you care about) found “true love” on the internet? Is this “dream partner” pouring on the romance with calls, text messages, gifts, flowers, poetry, song lyrics, etc.? Does it seem like a match made in heaven? Please read on.
Whether you are male or female, straight or gay, there are romance scammers out there who specialize in YOU. I encourage you to read the following carefully, then follow the links at the bottom of this article to be sure you are fully informed. The time you spend could save you (or a loved one) untold money and heartache.
As an honest person, I am frequently astounded to learn of the ways that scams are being perpetrated these days. And none is more heartless than the romance scam. Thousands upon thousands of men and women are in the process of being scammed as you read this, mistakenly believing that the “ideal partner” they have met on the internet is sincere and really loves them.
In the course of doing internet research, I found some information about romance scams that made my hair stand on end — especially since many of the details were almost a perfect fit for a situation described to me by one of my clients. I sent her a detailed email with a link to the information, and now for the sake of all my clients and visitors I am writing this article For Your Benefit.
Internet scams of all kinds have become a serious industry in many areas — notably third world nations, where a typical (honest) worker’s wages might be $50 to $70 per month. Contrast that with the thousands of dollars per week to be made by scamming, and you can see why this phenomenon is skyrocketing.
Typically romance scammers meet their victims on internet chat or dating sites. The scammer will have a highly appealing profile using a stolen photo (note: often they will create profiles specifically tailored to appeal to particular intended victims), along with a story that is designed to resonate with all your needs and hopes while slipping past your defenses.
Before continuing, let’s list some of the common objections that come up when one raises the possibility of a scam (remember, the victim really wants to believe that they have met their true mate):
“But we have been talking for months!”
The typical “grooming” period (the initial period of hooking the victim and winning their trust) ranges from four months up to a year or more. How can the scammer afford to be so patient? Numbers.
At any given time he may be “working” many different “marks” who are at various stages in the scamming process. You may still be in the early, trust-building stages while others are at the “sting” stage where the scammer is cashing in on their trust. Given the number of people in the “pipeline” he can afford to take his time and build up your sense of trust, confidence and devotion.
“But he/she has been sending me expensive/romantic gifts!”
Yes, that is all too easy to do considering that the scammer is using stolen credit card numbers — another thriving local industry in third world countries — to purchase these goods.
“But he/she says he/she wants to marry me!”
That is, in fact, the TYPICAL course a romance scam takes once the victim’s trust has been gained. Why? Because the scammers know that once you start seeing them as your future husband (or wife) you will be willing to do almost anything for them, or in order to be with them. A proposal of marriage (or setting up a supposed agreement to come live together) is the “clincher” that is often the final step before the “cashing in” phase of the scam.
“But I met him/her on an expensive/exclusive/paid dating site!”
See above. Using stolen credit card information, this is all too easy for scammers to do — and think about it: they find the best victims (i.e. those with the best financial potential) on these sites.
“But he/she hasn’t asked me for any money.”
First of all, you may still be in the grooming stage that precedes the financial part of the scam. Secondly, scammers are usually too clever to ask their victims outright for money. They have so many more ways to turn your trust into cash.
You might be asked to cash a postal money order for them — which they claim to be unable to cash in their current setting — and even told to keep some of the money yourself to compensate you for your effort. [This is particularly clever, since it both makes the transaction seem innocent and (later, when the documents are found to be forged or stolen) makes the victim reluctant to report to the authorities.] Typically you will then be asked to wire the cash to your scammer via Western Union or MoneyGram, as it is virtually impossible to trace the recipients of these kinds of payments.
Or the scammer may ask you to receive valuable merchandise — which they claim to have trouble shipping into their current location — and re-ship it to them. These goods are always purchased with stolen or forged financial instruments, and the seller ends up getting burned. Guess who is now an accomplice, for receiving stolen goods? And guess who will soon have the authorities knocking on their door?
Another favorite ploy (once you are emotionally attached to the scammer) is to claim some emergency or injury — or better yet, have their confederates pose as hospital or hotel staff and call you — asking for money to help them in their “desperate situation.” You can read about all these details, and many more, by following the links posted at the end of this article.
“But he/she is not from [location], he/she is just working/studying there.”
Scammers often pose as a fellow countryman (or woman) who just happens to be working overseas (typically, but not always, in a West African nation) on a glamorous or altruistic-sounding project. The truth: they are locals who have learned how to scam people from more “privileged” nations for huge sums of money.
Please note: While third world nations seem to be the most common locations for groups of organized scammers, there are also known centers of romance scammers (and all other types of scammers of course) in developed countries — including, but not limited to, Europe and the UK. Keep in mind that, regardless of location, anyone can misrepresent themselves with ease on the internet — whether they are working alone or in a group.
“But I saw him/her on a web cam, so I know they are real.”
Sadly, this proves nothing. These scammers work in organized groups, and play various roles as needed. Usually the scammer will simply claim that the terrible internet service in his/her country makes it impossible to send a decent web cam transmission. Convenient, eh?
But I met him/her on a Christian (or other religious) singles web site!”
Some scammers seem to specialize in fleecing people who are affiliated with religious sites. Whether this is due to religious hatred on their part, or merely an indication of their bottomless cynicism, the fact remains that no “special” site can protect you from romance scammers.
FYI to straight male readers: that wonderful woman you met on the internet (who eventually will need a “favor” or other financial assistance before she can come and spend her life with you) is almost always a male scammer posing as a woman.
Have you already been scammed? If so, what should you do?
Sadly, there is little you can do other than cut your losses by discontinuing contact with the scammer. You won’t be able to track them down. They typically operate from internet cafes, use false photographs, the works — there is simply no way you will ever find out their true identity.
By all means, explain your situation to the proper authorities if you have been tricked into dealing with stolen merchandise or bogus financial documents. They can help you to set things right so that you won’t be in legal trouble for your part in the matter.
Despite your feelings of outrage (and possible fantasies of revenge), don’t try to find a way to punish the scammer. One woman who sought retribution was contacted by Nigerian “authorities” who told her that — for a FEE — they could assist her in tracking down the scammer and bringing him to justice. It was stage two of the scam! And she nearly fell for it.
If you are considering traveling to the scammer’s location and hunting them down yourself, pause and reflect: how much might your internal organs be worth on the black market? Some of these people are dangerous — don’t put yourself at risk of kidnapping or worse.
Victims of romance scams, even more than other kinds of scam victims, typically feel violated and humiliated. They have been betrayed not only financially but emotionally as well. They may have told their deepest secrets, hopes and dreams to someone who — as it turns out — has only been manipulating them for money. Depression, loss of self-esteem and even despair may result.
It won’t make the pain go away completely, but if you are suffering the aftermath of being scammed here are some things you can do to recover more quickly:
1. Stop calling yourself a fool. You were NOT stupid, you were trusting. Romance scammers typically work in organized groups under a leader. They are highly skilled in the arts of manipulation and persuasion — particularly in the sexual and romantic arena. They make extensive use of scripts and are also quite practiced at figuring out what you want to hear. They are brillliant at sounding like your dream partner — on the phone, in chat, and in text messages.
2. Clean up the mess with your bank (and/or the merchants who have sent you valuable goods) as quickly and straightforwardly as you can. Explain what happened. They will still expect you to repay the money, but at least you will minimize your chances of being in legal trouble for your involvement.
3. Contact a support group (see links below) who can help you with rebuilding your life and cleaning up the mess. They can share many practical tips as well as emotional support. Talking with other folks who have “been there” can really help you.
4. Use the experience as a wake-up call and take steps to correct the underlying problem. It’s an axiom that the more needy or desperate you feel, the more easily manipulated you are — both on the internet and in person. You can find a wonderful relationship — if you are operating with sufficient balance and clarity. Otherwise you are heading for heartbreak.
Most relationship victims (online or offline) became vulnerable through their own loneliness, desperation and/or low self-esteem. Those wild hopes and yearnings can easily swamp one’s better judgement, opening the door to repeated suffering. If you suspect this kind of pattern in your own history, work on clearing up these issues (with professional help if indicated), so that you don’t set yourself up for another disaster.
If after reading the following information you recognize symptoms of scamming in your long-distance “dream partner,” I suggest that you do NOT tip them off about your doubts. Instead, carefully study all the information you can find and seek help from a knowledgeable source before proceeding.
The bottom line: if sending money or merchandise is part of the equation in ANY way, assume you are being scammed and get help.
Here are some links to information and resources about romance (and other) internet scams:
A general information article on romance scams
An American woman’s story on MSNBC
A support group for victims of romance scams
A detailed article about advance fee fraud and other scams now prevalent on the internet
On a related note, if you buy or sell on Ebay be sure to educate yourself about the various types of Ebay fraud. One good place to read about them is the reviews and guides section of the site. You can search under “fraud auctions” to find guides that explain how to spot fraudulent buyers and sellers. One of the best guides (for buyers) that I have found so far is this one. Be aware!
I have spent a great deal of time and effort researching and writing this, in hopes that it will help someone. Please take it to heart, share it with friends and loved ones, and use the information to prevent needless suffering. Here’s wishing you all the best.
