I am frequently asked this question, in various forms. Usually it is not quite so bluntly stated, yet it is the real concern or goal behind many questions about relationships.
All of us want to be loved, and many of us think we know just who would be the ideal person to do that loving. “They are perfect for me and I am perfect for them (the caller believes) — if only they would wake up and see it!”
In keeping with my policy of giving honest and ethical advice (instead of just telling people what they want to hear), I have some good news and some bad news for those who desperately want the love of a certain person. Read on — with an open mind — if you want to stop the frustration and find the love you’ve been craving in your life.
First of all, here’s some good news: you CAN have the fulfilling relationship you want. You can have a loving companion who treats you as you desire to be treated, who truly appreciates you. If you have not had that so far in your life, there are some specific reasons for that — and one key reason may very well be that you have up to now fixated on specific people, rather than taking the proper steps to find your ideal mate and co-create your ideal relationship.
So what’s the (seemingly) bad news? The so-called bad news is that you cannot force any specific person to fill that role. Furthermore, when you try to force another person into any role in your life, there is usually a powerful and painful backlash. The cost far outweighs the benefits, for everyone concerned. There are better ways, for those who are willing to try them.
It so often happens, in the areas of love, money and even health, that we think we know best how to get what want and need. So we tend to push very hard for the solution that looks right to us from our limited mortal perspective. The fact is, as a human you are operating with extremely biased and limited information. It is impossible for you to know what potential partners even exist, or to know everything about anyone — even the people you believe you know well. Any solution based solely on your limited knowledge and experience is bound to be disappointing at best.
Most of us, in seeking fulfillment in any area of our lives, try the same thing over and over again, hoping that this time it will work. I am encouraging you to step back and take another look. Ask yourself: how well has this approach really served you in the months — or years — or decades that you have used it? Most likely you will see that you have had, at best, extremely limited success in persuading things and people to conform to your plans. (After all, they’re trying to get things and people to conform to their plans, which may not harmonize with your own.) But do not despair — there is more good news.
There is a better way. Realize, though, that it is only accessible to those who are willing to acknowledge that desperately wanting, pushing and anguishing over a particular person has never worked. The truth is, it never will. (Sadly, many unethical readers take advantage of this desperation in many ways, as may be discussed in an upcoming article.)
Those who mentally cling to a certain person as “the only one for me” are doing a double disservice to themselves. First of all, they are blocking out all other possibilities. I can tell you from experience that there are often FAR better potential partners out there, sometimes very nearby, but they will never come into your life as long as you insist on a specific person.
Secondly, and this may surprise you: If by chance the person you are so desperate to get close to is the best choice for you, your anxious, insistent attitude will actually block them from getting as close to you as they could. An attitude of anxiety will keep them at a distance and may even drive them away!
There are many reasons for this, some psychological and some metaphysical. I have watched it happen again and again, always with painful results for the person who struggled and pushed to get (or keep) a certain partner. What makes it even sadder is that the tragedy could have been avoided — if only the person had stopped making the situation worse with their own anxiety and insistence.
Whether you have been in this situation for some time, or have just recently slipped into obsessing and anguishing over a particular person, NOW is the time to interrupt the pattern and minimize the damage to yourself and your potential relationship. Now is the best time to turn it around.
Even if the person in question is a current or former spouse or lover (who seems to be estranged or cooling off), having a possessive and insistent attitude about them can only cause you more grief. If you want to get unstuck and give the relationship its best chance, you are going to have to master your emotions and take a more enlightened approach. It may be a challenge at first, but it is possible, and the potential rewards are great.
By now it may be dawning on you that it is in your power to create the relationship you desire. If you have been losing sleep, praying for answers, starving for the affection you think a certain person could or should be giving you (or thinking that they need the affection you want to give them) you may now be ready for a real breakthrough.
If you are ready to try a new approach, an approach that could work to bring you far more love and fulfillment than you have had up to now, then I am ready to work with you. Every person’s situation is different, every person’s mindset is different, so there is no single, simple set of instructions that can be applied to everyone. But there are many solid guidelines that an intelligent and intuitive counselor such as myself can share with you.
If you are ready for a breakthrough, call me. I will work with you to heal this area of your life and help you to find, rekindle or create the loving relationship you desire.
